


More than you Realize

by aflawedfashion



Category: Defiance (TV)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Season 2
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-27
Updated: 2020-06-27
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:48:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24949480
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aflawedfashion/pseuds/aflawedfashion
Summary: Nolan finds Amanda alone, hopeless, and drinking to forget the pain of losing her sister
Relationships: Amanda Rosewater & Kenya Rosewater, Joshua Nolan/Amanda Rosewater
Kudos: 2





	More than you Realize

**Author's Note:**

> This fic touches on some darker themes. No characters are considering suicide, but I think the discussion gets close enough that if you're trying to avoid any mention of such themes, you might want to skip this one.

Nolan leaned against the bar, silently watching Amanda stare into a nearly empty glass, her profile highlighted by the flickering candles beside her. He opened his mouth to speak, but paused, afraid to say the wrong thing. Words were her strength, not his, and he couldn’t afford to make a mistake.

“If you’re not careful, you’re going to deplete your scotch supply, and next thing you know, you’re sober at a staff meeting, and no one wants that,” Nolan said with a playful tone barely masking genuine concern. He worried that if he spoke too seriously, she would pull away like she did last time. “Don’t get me wrong, I’ve drowned more than my fair share of sorrows in the bottom of a glass, but you think it might be time to take a break? At least for the night.”

“I’ve had years of practice.” Amanda tilted her head in Nolan’s direction, the orange glow from the candles illuminating her mournful eyes. “I can take it.” 

“Not sure your liver agrees.” Nolan slid the scotch bottle away from her as he slid into the seat beside her.

Amanda shrugged. “What does it matter?” 

“It matters if you want to see your 50th birthday.” 

Amanda shrugged again. “No one would notice if I didn’t make it.” 

“What are you talking about?” Nolan furrowed his brow, feeling like she had just stabbed him in the gut. “Everyone in this fucking town knows your name. In fact, they love you more than ever.”

“That’s not love. That’s nostalgia for life before the occupation.”

“Don’t sell yourself short.”

“I’m not.” Amanda shook her head and looked toward the ceiling. “I had one person who loved me unconditionally. One single goddamn person on this entire goddamned planet, and now she’s dead, I’m alone, and no one’s going to give a shit when I die.”

Nolan grabbed the sides of Amanda’s barstool, spinning her to face him. She looked into his eyes with drunken surprise as he forcefully stated, “you could not be more wrong.” 

Amanda nearly laughed. “Don’t you dare give me more platitudes about how this town will miss me. They’ll give a nice speech in my memory before forgetting about me like they forget every other dead politician.” She held his gaze with fierce resolve. “Don’t patronize me.”

“I’m not just talking about the faceless masses.” Nolan took a nervous breath, maintaining eye contact, resisting the urge to take a swig of her scotch. “I can’t imagine living in this town without you. I don’t think I could.” He leaned closer, her gaze softening. “I would miss you more than you realize.”

Nolan stood, wrapping his arms around her small frame, tugging her against his body. He needed to hold her, needed to show her how deeply he cared. “I know you’re having a bad night, but please,  _ please  _ do not give up on me. You will feel better. I promise.”

“How can you promise that?”

“Because I wanted to die when I lost my sister too.” 

“I was just drinking,” she said softly as she pulled away from him and looked into his eyes. “I wasn’t going to do anything.”

“I know.” He gave her a comforting smile. “But your lack of self-preservation scares me.”

Amanda’s gaze dropped to the floor, her fingers nervously tugging at her sleeve. “It scares me too.”

Nolan touched her hand. Her sadness pained him, but he was unspeakably relieved to know she hadn’t completely given up on life. “So, let's get out of here, go somewhere less painful. What do you say? Wanna call it a night?”

“I...” she began to protest before closing her eyes and nodding her head. “Yeah.” She took a deep breath. “Yeah, I really do.” 

“Good.” He smiled, relaxing as he wrapped his arm around her back. They walked side by side as he guided her out of the bar. “And tomorrow morning, I’m going to get started on planning that birthday party.” 

“Don’t you think it’s far too soon for that?” 

“Well, I’ve never planned a big party before. Trust me; I’ll need years to figure it out. Flowers, cakes, invitations… I don’t know shit about any of that. Heavy research will be involved. My daughter will be recruited for support.” He turned to her with a smile, his voice growing serious as he said, “and I want you to know I meant everything I said. I’m going to be here when you turn 50.”

She leaned her head against his shoulder and whispered, “so am I.”


End file.
